i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
