And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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