Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
