I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
