imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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