Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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