What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
