he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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