She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
