I want to walk on stilts...naked
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
