Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
