So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
