mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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