things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
