I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
