dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We were destined to go to rehab together
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i think my cat just said my name.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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