I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
