NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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