u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
