I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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