I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
