When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
