Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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