Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
