how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
