somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
