I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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