oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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