Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
