Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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