Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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