Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
