I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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