I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
