i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You're like the curious george of whores
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
