I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
