Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
