Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
