life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
