I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dicks are not precious.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
