You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
