Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
