You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
