i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i love accidental penises.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
