never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
