my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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