ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
