Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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