the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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