I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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