I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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